by Nate » Fri Aug 28, 2015 4:21:03 am
So, today’s on N8 R8s we will now cover Adam Sandler’s newest vacation, I mean film, Pixels. Pixels is the newest edition in the “Adam Sandler is literally the greatest human being in the world franchise” following Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2, Blended, Just Go With It, Bedtime Stories, I Know Produce You Chuck and Larry and Click.
Going into this movie, I had no expectation that this movie might be good, but I saw in the movie theatre there was a “Pac-Man Machine” (an iPad and a Bluetooth controller in an arcade case) “provided by Pixels” and that my movie ticket was 260 pesos – ten pesos more than average. I’m going to assume that the 10 extra pesos for my movie ticket probably paid for the Pac-Man machine, which just to do the math one of those machines are about 60$ on Amazon, at twenty-three extra cents per ticket, that’s about 230 tickets to pay for the whole set. Judging on how this movie is in its second or third week here and it’s still has the second biggest theatre, I’m going to say that “provided by Pixels” was probably more “provided by us”. Also of note, this movie theatre is in a massive mall here, where a Time Zone with Donkey Kong is legitimately directly to the right of the ticket counter.
Also in the spirit of tangents, let’s talk about the television show “Dating Naked”. Apparently it filmed in a resort that I went to last Christmas for a holiday. Now I have to slowly accept the fact that the people who would willingly sign up for a show named “Dating Naked” exist in the same universe I do.
Now anyway to the movie, which surprisingly was nearly packed – I’m assuming all the kids watched Inside Out last week (I believe it set the record for biggest opening of the year here or something like that) and now have to watch another movie on Friday morning with their parents and the rest of the movies out right now are R-something.
In all of the movies in the “Adam Sandler is literally the greatest human being on earth” (ASILTGHBOE) series, the movie begins with Sandler working as a smart, charming and high paying yet not too important and snobby or nerdy job, who is also a womanizer who’s big problem is that he’s just having a little too much sex with way too many attractive women. However, this movie begins with a twist showing Adam Sandler and Kevin James in the 80s playing arcade games and participating in the 1982 World Arcade Championship, where Sandler qualifies with the amazing strategy of looking at a flier and is disappointed because he loses in the finals to Peter Dinklage. I have a lot of problems with that scene – I see that the director is trying to go for a Ping Pong Summer meets King of Kong vibe, but honestly it fails to really meet either because the child actors are all terrible and the writing doesn’t really show off the 80s-ness of it outside of being fun. Also, if Peter Dinklage is 21 in 1982 – purely based off the fact that he purchases alcohol and a pair of models to follow him around during the flashback, in 2017, which is the earliest this movie can take place, he would be 56 at youngest during the events of this film. Just keep that in mind.
In a weird move for the ASILTGHBOE saga, in 2017, Adam Sandler plays a loser who has to work at like BestBuy because a career of studying video games goes nowhere. This could be interesting and could potentially be a big element of his character, but no he acts like legitimately every other Adam Sandler hero and is a cocky asshole who gets everything he wants. Kevin James has went from masturbating, crane game champion to THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE USA, which is revealed in a conversation acted so terribly I thought Adam Sandler was referring to him as “Mr. President” sarcastically. There is another potential piece of character here where it shows that Kevin James can’t read and is probably the least popular president ever – but the first illiterate president of the United States apparently acts identically to every other Kevin James character. The Adam Sandler character then goes to work installing a PlayStation at an attractive single woman’s house with a standard Adam Sandler kid character, the woman by the way ends up being the Secretary of Defense who was cheated on by her husband with his yoga professor, which is another thing that could potentially make a character trait but purely exists for Adam Sandler to prove how sweet and nice he is (and to excuse his blatant sexual harassment to one of his clients). On top of that they are joined by Peter Dinklage who is now in jail and has a threesome with Martha Stewart and Serena Williams and Elder Cunningham who plays a creepy pervert who fucks a gender-ambiguous alien who gives birth to Q-berts.
I was planning to go through the movie, but I’m approaching a thousand words and this movie doesn’t deserve anything more than that. I feel like this movie is probably a good movie for a “Flop House” or a “How Did This Get Made” type podcast because honestly there is a lot of material to go on. If MST3K still existed and could do major release movies this would probably be on top of their list.
